Fri. Mar 24th, 2023

By As For Class
THE PENTAGON — After months of indirect support, sanctions, and mean tweets, the United States has shocked the world by announcing that it will upgrade its support of the conflict in Ukraine by invading Iraq.
“It’s the last thing Russia would expect,” said Air Force Brig. Gen. Patrick Ryder, the Pentagon’s top spokesman. “This will open up a second front without escalating us toward open war with Russia. That’s what our nerds in the basement have sworn. We’ve been saving this maneuver for some time. We call it one of the classics for a reason. If there’s one thing our military can do with efficiency, it’s invade Iraq.”
As preparations for the invasion move forward, the American people are divided on how to feel about it. Some are excited at the prospect of another military victory, while others are simply confused.
"I’m all for supporting Ukraine, but why Iraq?" asked one skeptic. "I thought we were trying to get out of the Middle East. Didn’t that foreign policy sort of… you know… fail for decades?”
Sometimes, the simplest strategic moves are the ones that make the most sense.
“We believe opening up an unrelated front in the Middle East is the secret to destroying Russian morale,” Ryder continued.
“This is what we do. We may or may not have attempted that whole coup thing in Iraq back in the seventies. Then there was the 1990 invasion. Followed by the 2003 invasion. And let’s not forget when we changed it up and invaded in 2014 to keep the world on its toes,” added Ryder while putting air quote fingers up when he noted the 2014 invasion.
Despite the concerns, the government remains confident in its decision.
"We have a long history of successful invasions, and we’re confident that this will be no different," said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin when pressed by Duffel Blog correspondents. “You want me to express what the long-term goals are? Is that it? We’re pretty sure we won’t escalate things toward a Third World War, but we’re not here to make any promises. Plus, it’s not like we have anything else to do right now."
In the meantime, Ukrainian leaders have expressed their gratitude for the support of the U.S.
"We can’t thank the Americans enough for this," said Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. "It’s not every day someone invades a country just to help a brother out."
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